Remember when

Wings

2012-02-01T09:52:00.003+08:00

You're the reminder that things doesn't always turn out the way we expect it to.

That not everyone can be trusted and people are not what they seem at first.

Someone who visit me in my dreams and wake me up in the mornings with tears.

You tried and failed to play with my feelings and luckily you failed or else i don't know what would happen to me now.

Sure not as happy as now.

Fly past, fly past.

Finals starting on FRIDAY. Rock on! We CAN DO IT hahaha

As i try to move on.

2011-12-27T21:13:00.006+08:00

Big smiles on everyone for the holiday

Hello everyone. It's past week 6 of term 2 and i'm having my christmas break now and i'm so not MIA.

What happened during this 6 weeks is basically the same everyday.

Reluctantly wake up early morning by my phone alarm clock.

If i forget to set it, i get an additional 1 or 2 hours of sleep with my phone buzzing away from hiao po 2 and hiao po 3's messages.

Go to my second home, the library and wait for lunch.

Be super alert in the beginning of tutorial classes and get sleepier and sleepier as time goes by.

Nap time!!

Be super early and fight to be the first ones to queue for dinner

Ki hiao at the park bench in front the library with friends

Try to study in the study room until around 10 and it's time for SUPPER.

Then go to bed with tired body waiting for the next day.

Seriously aimst is kinda boring and lifeless lol not that i don't like it. Especially during quiz and study week the only thing i look forward to everyday is when there's food =.=

You. i just wish i could erase you from my past. i have an idea of the total magnitude of damage you have done to me and us and i don't wanna know either. Just please please stay away from me. Until now i sometimes still get nightmares about you.

And and and you also. Stop thinking and telling others that i'm making people hate you please. i'm not so lifeless going around ruining your life even though i don't really like you either. i'm just not so free la, and not so mean also..ish. Luckily people don't believe. i'm so fake sometimes. i can hate you like crazy inside my heart but when i see you, i'll still smile and talk to you and when you ask something from me, i'll try to do it. Maybe that's being matured enough to be pleasant instead of being fake.

It's christmas break now and when i'm too free, i just get into my old habit of emo-ing even if i have no reason right now. This christmas, i'm thankful for many things. Uni life that although was damn scandalous and dramatic in the beginning but thankfully so calm and peaceful now, loving family, awesome friends and him :)

i didn't wanna end up here

2011-11-28T12:04:00.004+08:00

Now what is there left to say? i wish things would go back to the way it was. The more i think about it the more it feels like my fault.

You are such an idiot. You should have known what was in my mind. Stupid.

Packing now while typing this and probably won't be back until another 3 weeks later for christmas break. Sigh :( How i wish i could stay here forever. Not that it's that bad there.

Term 1 gg. Need to study for a better future. Study so that i don't have time to emo. Study to take my mind off you. Study because there is nothing else left to do.

Let's work hard together :)

The past is the past.

2011-10-29T13:28:00.001+08:00

Going back to that place again.

Where every night i see four walls.

And there's nothing there for me.

Even though you all want me to believe otherwise.

The only one i trust is myself.

emo emo emo emo ==..

2011-10-22T11:13:00.001+08:00

"Love is meant to be blind, if we could see, it wouldn't be as fun."

2011-10-20T11:28:00.003+08:00

i woke up this morning feeling empty, craving for

hot milk

breakfast in bed

a good movie

more sleep

and

your voice.

2011-10-18T20:51:00.001+08:00

emo emo emo emo emo emo

Avril Lavigne- Innocence

2011-10-08T00:31:00.004+08:00

Waking up I see that everything is okay
The first time in my life and now it's so great
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great

I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere

I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away
I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful, it makes you wanna cry

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful, it makes you wanna cry
It's so beautiful, it makes you want to cry

This innocence is brilliant, it makes you want to cry
This innocence is brilliant, please don't go away
'Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

This innocence is brilliant, it's so beautiful, it's so beautiful
This moment is perfect, please don't go away
I need you now, it makes me want to cry
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

2011-10-07T20:04:00.001+08:00

xi guan jiu hao.

Shh..

2011-10-05T03:25:00.003+08:00

Don't look at me like that, don't say all those things to me. i'm already falling for you, i'm afraid of what i might say.

We live in fragile times. Seeing someone who is still so young and still have so much to offer the world passing away, it makes me feel that anything can happen. We must live everyday to the fullest and treasure people around us. i don't wanna wait anymore. i'm scared of everything that might go wrong and things that can change. But sometimes, patience and keeping silence is the best because if it's meant to happen, it will happen anyway.

swt ==

Finals is in like 5 days away and i'm totally unprepared. Not completely unprepared but i don't know how i'm gonna face the papers with my little bit of preparation. They say that i'm smart, they say that i absorb fast, but i don't think so. At least not when i'm cracking my head trying to understand the biology concepts. Not when i'm messing up the whole paper trying to get a math answer.

Things left unsaid

2011-09-24T23:02:00.003+08:00

原来早上睡醒，不流泪也是一种幸福。。

You know something about this place? It's driving me crazy. It's giving me the most bizarre life experiences ever. It's making me emotionally weak yet making me stronger. It's making me do things that i never would otherwise. It's making me lose my ground. It's making me lose myself. It's making me caring too much about things i have no control over. It's making me angry at people who would achieve their target by making me angry. It's getting me caught up in so much drama. It's showing me the ugly side and also the beautiful side of human beings. It's causing me to surround myself with company that brings nothing but troubles and tears to me but there's something that makes me hang around with them, like glue because the good times way outweigh the bad ones. It's also showing me who my true friends are.

And the sad thing is, no matter how they try to help me, i'm unable to help myself.

Lim Xin Ying, why are you being so weak? Get up please! Get up and study. Stand up for yourself, nobody will stand up for you!

Despite my emo post, i'm actually smiling right now. ahaha.

It's all your fault

2011-09-11T10:16:00.000+08:00

i could have blamed you, and that stupid hindi movie you just watched, but i was the one who went and listen to someone without experience. i should have followed my own opinions.

And this just screwed my life up more.

Great.

Keep doing this to me but in the end, make sure you're not the one who's hurt the most because i don't wanna see you get hurt again.

2011-09-07T18:12:00.013+08:00

i'm having a hard time dealing with my emotions right. Every since before raya holidays my mind doesn't seem to work the right way anymore. It feels just like the time when i was slacking and flunking everything in utp except that i don't have excuses now anymore, no huge distance between lecture halls and my hostel, no toilet polluted by cat shit and most certainly no calculus that i dislike. EHH SOMEBODY BANGUNKAN AKU PLEASE. I DONT WANNA GGDOTCOM IN MY FINALS.

i've begin to lose my mind,you've been gone for so long, and their non-stop mentioning of your name just make it worst. Not like what they say have any truth in it. Or is there a little bit? i don't think so, but maybe a bit, not more than that, no elaboration on it. But then, it's the same for many other people. i don't know.

But it brings back everything, the big kayak lake and how i fell into it, the yellow and blue, or was it orange and blue hostel buildings and spaghetti cabonara, fish and chips and sotong curry of our v5 cafe, gong bou yu pin fan and kamhiong meehon from ping ping and the nights we listen to the radio with the windows open in the car and the time we sang what the hell in the hostel room in v1 until people from the neighbouring room actually came out and asked us what happened. Our drama practices with our hilarious version of metamorphosis and the night of the drama competition, a night to remember. My first time sitting at the back of a motorcycle after the drama practices, always afraid that we'd crash into somewhere. Of course there were the not so good nights when he couldn't borrow an motorcycle and i had to walk back alone in the dark, music blasting with top volume to scare away everything that might appear. That evening, two days before finals when we all cycled to KFC and i fell into the drain and then spilled the coke on the table. i still have the scar on my leg and it sometimes itches, reminding me of what happened. The times when he sends me all the weird chat messages and i'm left baffled and at times laughing like mad. And finally of course the times when they kept teasing us and we don't know whether to deny or keep quiet because either way they'll just continue to tease us without stopping and we both know that it's not really possible.

i've begin the learn categorizing my crushes. There are those that i look at first glance and find them cute. The ones that i see a lot but rarely talk to. The ones that i have only known for a short period of time and like their personality. Friends who give me a good feeling. Those who like me and treat me real good and those are the most dangerous cause i don't know whether i like them or just the things they do for me. In conclusion, i think my heart is too young and too big for relationships and i need to grow up more before i mess with all this again. If not i'll just get hurt and hurt people. My heart never seem to grow with the rest of me.

i wonder what you're thinking and why you're doing all this to me. It's obvious that it's deliberate. It does hurt. But you wouldn't stop so i don't wanna sai hei go think about it.

i am to be blamed for everything the you might be feeling. i was just plain mean to you. i'll never get over my actions. My deepest hope that you can get over it faster and things can get back to normal as soon as possible. Of course not as though it never happened, it's impossible to repress something like this from our memories. But it happened so i'm trying to learn to live with it and still remain friends and i erm, need you as a friend as selfish as it sounds but i can't imagine losing a friend slowly just like this.

((Oh it's not who you all think he is ==" not from utp, don't misund))

i'm the eldest child. Eldest kids are the rebellious one i live up to that indeed. Although i never really got into any deep trouble i enjoy trying out new things and do something different with my friends now and then. Ever since i got my car i'm not afraid of going to places even with my terrible sense of direction. Eldest kids are the caretakers and the independent ones but i was unable to do things by myself and required 5 months in utp to teach me to stand on my own feet and make me who i am now. Not afraid of loneliness, not afraid of failure. i used to be this girl who begs for love but is too afraid to receive it from anyone because things like love always come with lots of terms and conditions. i used to think that speaking vulgar words are something shameful and unsightly and avoided doing that at all cost. But then beginning of this year i started using them a lot and i had been trying to tone down for the past few months. i now think it's okay to express our feelings with vulgarities every now and then when there're really no other way. i'm not afraid to give people my middle finger when i'm really pissed off and tell people to SHUT THE FUCK UP when i think they're too much.

2011-09-07T02:36:00.001+08:00

i wonder what your thinking.

whatwhatwhatwhatwhat?

go die.

5 days.

2011-08-27T10:32:00.002+08:00

i'm sorry i couldn't handle it better. i always suck when it comes to things like this. i know that you now think that i was treating you as a substitution but that's really not a case. i was really unsure of my own feelings and that's why i asked you to give me time. i didn't start anything with you and it isn't conditional or anything like that. i didn't force you to wait for me. And since i already realized that that's not what i want it's pointless to waste 6 months of your life to wait for me for nothing, that's why i told you what i told you in the lecture hall. i don't know what the 2 of you talked about that day but it's certainly not because of anything he said to me. Not because of him either..

i'm sorry for everything that happened this few days. i want you to know that i do love you a lot but just not the way you want me to. After all this happened i felt like i lost a friend but i hope that's not the case..

WHATEVER

2011-08-25T23:46:00.001+08:00

BALIK KAMPUNG TOMORROW AND SLEEP.

DONE.

LIES

2011-08-24T22:28:00.003+08:00

hopefully things will feel normal again after i see my home, but then it might just be another false illusion.

That's not the main point

2011-08-24T20:13:00.003+08:00

This post, is a happy one =)

Raya holidays!! It's so near now. 9 days are far less than enough for me to hang out with everyone i wanna see so much, dye my hair, do this, do that and of course spendddddd :-)

Why am i like this. LOL. i never used to be like this. i'm always sure of what i'm doing and even if what i'm doing is wrong i'll be sure that i wanna do something wrong and do it. i'm completely certain that i'm uncertain. And the worst part is i'm completely enjoying my uncertainty because life isn't usually this interesting. Regardless of how unfair it is to the other side. See, that's the problem with my thinking.

NO MORE FEELINGS. Although i'm unsure but like seriously please no more feelings at all. It's just that no matter how i can't accept that anyone would choose her over me. Fine maybe she is much better than me. Kiasu-ness. Even when it comes to feelings. i dislike being not good enough for anyone. Walao seeing that really makes me break into pieces. But well i'll get over it. Stop asking.

It's always more of me rather than more of you. Of course i like that but this is bound to turn wrong if it continues.

i don't regret applying for med and coming here coz otherwise i wouldn't have met you guys. HEH :D. But but right now my mind is like totally occupied with UTPUTPUTP and them them them. And of course IPOHIPOHIPOH!!

and and and i forgot the rest of things i wanna say after sleeping.

whatever ==

Copy and paste

2011-08-20T10:24:00.002+08:00

He'll still love you if you don't give in..if he doesn't..he's not the one.

Sometimes the best way to stay close to someone you love is by being just a friend.

A friend will tell you to your face what others are saying about you behind your back.

Life is too ironic to fully understand; It takes sadness to know what happiness is, noise to appreciate silence & absence to value presence.

Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once.

Our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

He already ruined your mascara, don't let him ruin your life.

These are some good times, so take a good look around. You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this.

Its hard to wait around for something u know may never happen, but its harder to give up when u know its everything u want

I'm a teenager. I have a messy room. I spend most of my time online. I go to bed late and I'm crazy about one person

While you're busy looking for the perfect person, you'll probably miss the imperfect person who could make you perfectly happy.

Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.

Sometimes a relationship end because once the person gets u, they stop doing the things it took to get u..

2011-08-19T21:32:00.001+08:00

it takes two to whisper quietly.

Oh i wish you were here.

the only favour you could do me now, is to leave me alone.

2011-08-18T17:30:00.006+08:00

It's not wrong. It's just not that right either.

Denial is not right.

Hiding is not right.

Avoiding is not right.

Hating on people is not right

i miss my mum

i miss my dad

i miss my sis

i miss my doggie

i miss my maid

i miss not doing eveything by myself

i wanna go home please

i wanna eat eggs

i wanna just have a good sleep and not think about anything

i wanna have people do laundry for me and be able to get it back the very next day

i wanna have people sweep my room for me

i wanna drive my car

i wanna have nice food

i wanna stop eating spicy food

can i be really honest now? i feel like i'm not giving enough to everything, like usual.

Sometimes, i get so annoyed looking at some of my own pictures. Because you said that i look like her before, and from some angles, i really do.

It was ok last time. Now, i hate myself for it.

I WILL NEVER LET ANYONE TREAT ME LIKE THAT. NEVER..

First you said yes, then you said no.

2011-08-16T04:53:00.004+08:00

i don't understand myself either. Such simple things that are so easily achieved yet so hard to be done when it comes to me. Is it my problem or their problem and it's probably mine such that i don't spend enough time with them. Other people do it all the time but having them do it to me makes me feel like a burden and if i stop asking for a day they'll just completely forget and leave me vulnerable. to him... i won't mind otherwise. Spending less and less time is probably a good choice because i know that i can't trust anyway.

After typing one whole paragraph to scold him, the backspace button is pressed. Again and again. It's not gonna help. Nothing will help. i'll be okay. i'm just not matured enough to handle all this yet. We all grow up with experience and i know that the world is mean and meanest when it comes stupid naive girls like me. i won't be scared anymore tomorrow.

They way you say he does and he say you does and everyone else talks about everyone reminds me of some movie. What's the title again?

"Forget the air, I'll breathe you instead."

i never told you

2011-08-09T18:30:00.004+08:00

Past few days i've been out of the world. Floating about. Unaware of what's going on around me. i go to class and think about what happened during the weekends. i return to my room to sleep after class to escape reality. Somehow during the day i'll think about the huge lake and the blue and yellow buildings and feel sad. Even a short visit brings back memories. Eating almost non-stop, abandoning all my diet plans.

There's something else that i never told anyone and it's hurting.

Very much.

i woke up today and looked at the phone. No messages. During the day i constantly checked my phone and there weren't any calls or messages from the people involved.

Finally it ended.. :')

Not a good day

2011-08-05T02:02:00.001+08:00

Not a bad one either. i'm beyond caring bout what you did dy? c: just gonna do my own stuffs and ignore u.

2011-07-30T02:11:00.000+08:00

i hope that you see right through me.

i hope that you catch me coz i'm already falling.

2011-07-28T22:07:00.002+08:00

i can't differentiate tears and water anymore. Breaking into tiny little pieces.

If only i were still there. i miss engineering. i miss utp. i miss each and everything that used to be in my life. i miss you. i wish you were here to make everything in my life ok again like usual. But the truth is i'll never be able to go back again.

2011-07-28T20:30:00.004+08:00

Freakin sampat people. i like to gossip too. But sampat has a limit you know. How am i supposed to feel when you guys went to ask not only one but two of them. Thought you guys were joking but the next day met up and just like that went to ask. Keep on telling you guys not to and that feelings are not something to be joked bout but you guys laughed at what i said summore. Why does people like you two even exist? It's very fun is it? Go around asking guys that i'm friends with whether they like me. What do you even suppose people to answer?

Like seriously, i don't know how people like you even exist in the world.

还笑得出。。

like i would have scolded you guys to the face if it were last time. FUCK.

2011-07-20T14:05:00.002+08:00

Give me a chance to say that you were meant for me c:

Undo it

2011-07-17T21:11:00.003+08:00

All sorts of insects wouldn't stop appearing. In the living room, the toilet, my room. Utp had lots of even bigger beetles and moths but it doesn't matter. Here it just drives me crazy.

i don't know what to do the make myself feel better. Surprised this homesickness only comes after two weeks. Expected it to be earlier.

But i wouldn't complain. Lots of people have their homes further and they never show it.

But, but

2011-07-13T19:49:00.005+08:00

What do i do when i'm all choked up and trying to appear like i'm ok. Listening to people say all these things that have nothing at all to do with me or not anymore and trying to appear like i care. Maybe i do care but i'm too caught up with what i'm facing to even care at all. Like it is any better for me? Better but not too much better?

How do you study when you're swallowing back tears all the time and try to give them a smile.

What do you do when you're all alone.

ALONE.

my own fault.

Can i be really honest now? i'm done.

2011-07-13T18:55:00.002+08:00

Everyone looks like it's the day before finals when in fact it's just the first week.

i wanna go home.

Looks like it's another long week for me.

If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.

2011-07-12T12:38:00.003+08:00

You know what i'm tired of? Acting like i don't care while i actually do.

What i hate? Letting myself let go even when i really don't want to.

i'm in love and out of love.

i'm done and undone.

i'm in control and out of control.

i'm lost and found.

i'm believing and in doubt.

2011-07-10T02:38:00.001+08:00

Life's going pretty well here.

But but i miss ipoh and utp.

i really wanna go home..

When will i see home again??

How far are you willing to go?

2011-07-05T03:28:00.003+08:00

There're people i'd do anything for just to see them smile. A SMILE.

There're people i'd do anything for because they did too much for me. TOO MUCH.

There're people i'd do anything for although they hurt me too many times. TOO MANY.

How far are people willing to go for me? How far are YOU willing to go for me?

i give a little too much when it comes to love.

2011-07-03T23:34:00.000+08:00

What do u bring, on a long vacation away from home?

2011-07-03T12:39:00.001+08:00

Let's check into heartbreak hotel and cry together :c

Miscellaneous

2011-07-02T05:17:00.013+08:00

i'm so addicted to perfumes lately. Unfortunately they're like so expensive and Malaysia don't have small, around 30ml bottles for sale unless bought in a set and the smallest that can be bought separately is like 100ml. My friend went to HK and bought a bottle of 30ml burberry perfume for around RM20. She said other perfumes are also much cheaper in other countries compared to ours. i had always been crazy about burberry and CK perfumes but this DKNY fresh blossom one smells really awesome. Btw the apple flavoured one is disgusting. Instantly attracted to the smell but i guess i'll have to save up for quite some time to finally buy it. Let's save together wen en :p

i just need to share this scary thing that happened to me. Thursday midnight(Or is it considered friday morning?) around 3:30am. don't ask me why i'm still awake lol, i sleep really late these days; i was lying on my bed trying to sleep. The malay ghost movie that i watched the day before was still vivid in my mind. Especially the part where the ghost pretended to be the lead guy's wife and lead him into the jungle. Anyway as i was trying to sleep, i heard the sound of someone rummaging outside my room. i didn't really care but was quite cautious in case one of my parents wake up and realized that i was still awake at that hour. Suddenly, i heard someone call my name. It sounded like my mum but was somehow it was quite different and i knew for sure that it wasn't my mum. It was a bit faraway and echo-ish. i was even feeling a little bit scared and didn't respond but closed my eyes instead. The voice called me again and said something i couldn't really place. My mum would have came into my room to check on me if i didn't answer her. But no one came in. Somehow i knew i wasn't supposed to respond. So i just reached for the bible beside my bed and read psalms 91 until i feel less scared and went to sleep. Scary lah. When i woke up the next day and remember what happened i couldn't believe it myself -_-

My friend asked me whether i was still sad because of HIM. i told him, no. Because it is HIS loss more than my loss. He lost someone who loves him very much but i only lost someone who cares about me a lot, but not the way i want..And i still have his friendship. Actually i was still pretty upset over the whole thing but now i'm letting go already la. It's like on and off, every time i see him it starts again but after that it's ok dy.

Enchanted

This is me praying that this was the very first page
Not where the story line ends
My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again

When will that be? Gosh please don't do this to me.. all of a sudden..

You know right, when it comes to relationships, never listen to your same gender friend's advises lol. Sharing and pillow-talking is fun and makes you feel better but if you want some useful advise it's better to find your brothers or guy friends. For girls, it's because other girls are mostly just like us and think the same way as we do. It's a bit like asking for advise from yourself. Based on my own experience, they always tell u this guy have a crush on you i can see that blah blah blah and then you start to notice him and fall for him but ended up the guy don't like you at all. i don't blame them at all, but, i'm still suffering from the consequences i guess.

Jj tomorrow with church friends. Probably will meet up with Jamielyn this few days and i'm off to uni again. Had lunch and watched Monte carlo with utp housemates today. Chocolate coke! My friend saw the waiter mixing a glass of coke and chocolate syrup. Yucks! But it tasted quite nice lol. Saw a few other UTP-ians too. As they dropped me in front of my house at night, it struck me. i'm probably not going to see any of them except for Stella and Amy who live in ipoh until don't know how many months later. She said, Sg Petani has everything, but it doesn't have us :'( True..

All the things were readied and piled up in the guest room waiting to be boxed and brought to uni. 4 more days..i'm really nervous, more nervous than when i went to UTP last time, but excited at the same time. Time to put everything, good and bad behind me and embrace my fresh start.

What will the future bring?

If you ask me if i love him, i'd lie.

2011-06-26T23:31:00.002+08:00

You know..

2011-06-25T21:50:00.003+08:00

You know you can't trust anyone anymore, when you need a crying shoulder but can't find one.

You know you don't know who are your real friends, when you pick up the phone with nobody to call.

You know you have too many friends and too little true friends, when you are always surrounded by people but when you need someone with you badly you can't find anyone.

Or i just don't wanna bother people :(

A new place in 10 days. Will it be good? Will it suck?

Whatever it is i don't wanna think so much anymore. Not getting my hopes up either. First few weeks always sucks. Later time will tell.

The list is so much longer this time =.=

electronics

beauty products

movies

books

most of my clothes

...

headache

10 more days.

scared.

After so long

2011-06-19T01:45:00.005+08:00

if only you guys were with me all the time. if only you guys will be there with me.

Sucks -.-

Sucks to feel so helpless. To lose control. To have people once so close to me drifting away. To see them talking but have no idea what they're talking about.

Nah, i'm just too bored. i'll not think so much once uni starts.

i realized i only start treasuring what i had after i lost them.

pfffffft.

What you say and do annoys me to the max, but somehow i'm ok with it. It's better than to be ignored? After last year, this year make me feel..so human again. It feels so good to be treated actually as a person again.

i don't get why you would choose to suffer so much for someone who won't do the same for you. With the way he's treating you, why are you still holding on? Why are you living in denial? It won't do you any good when you finally realize what he's been doing to you all these time, what you had been too blind to see. Why do you love him so much when people around you can obviously see that he doesn't love you as much, from the way he treats you. Why do you insist that he loves you very much?

Why do you choose to hurt when you deserve so much better?

2011-06-15T21:33:00.001+08:00

Why so strict now?

Why finally act like the all concerned parent after all these years?

Why, now?

Unicorns

2011-06-12T21:23:00.005+08:00

i wish i had a magic wand that make people i wanna see appear right in front of me, right now.

Please come and keep me sane, i'm going crazy.

i'm terrified.

Come and keep me from falling for him again, although i don't know how you're gonna do it.

Come and tell me everything's gonna be alright, i'll only believe it when i hear it from you.

Come and STAY so that i know i will never ever ever be just that girl like i was and i'll always have a place in the world.

Like any other person does.

Love you forever

2011-06-12T03:29:00.005+08:00

June 11th

January 15th

Went to jj with wen en, audrey, jenny and joanne yesterday. Was gonna catch a movie but ended up all the movies we wanted sold out or only left front row so we just sat around jusco and talk. Gaya remaja melepak c: We talked about college and relationships and aud talked about her boyf. All the best haha. i think we'll hear from more of us about relationships but i'm so not gonna be the next unless...it'll happen when it's meant to be lol. That's why i didn't accept jen's bet. Which shouldn't be disclosed here == haha. We're all growing up, and we have to do a lot of things we never did before, but i guess we'll all be...fine.

i know that i'm impulsive and always say and do things i regret later although i'm stubborn too and wouldn't admit it. There are so many things that i wish i didn't say or do and i'd turn back time if i can to do it all over again. So that things end differently. i'm sorry.

i can't imagine ever going back to school again. School life had it's perks and sweet memories but my school life was terrible, a total mess. It's just full of drama with teachers and the last year, most of the time i'm too drown in climbing the social ladder to care about other things. My spm results was a miracle. i wouldn't wanna go back even if i'm paid a billion dollars. Of course i'll always treasure and keep in touch the friends but that's all. i don't even think about it. i remember the day after the last paper i was ecstatic that it finally ended.

Uni life was a whole lot better although it's not perfect. Things really change fast. Yesterday jen uploaded some pics from her camera, some are from the outing yesterday and some are from when we had dinner together 2 days before i went to utp. Time passes really fast, now it's already 5 months later and it's already more than 1 month since i left utp. It's so unpredictable. i don't know how aimst is going to be. Good hopefully? i won't put too much hope on it though because i don't want to be disappointed.

i miss my long hair too. Not going to cut anything except my fringe until next year.

Guess what, i still crave for oreo mcflurry!!

2011-06-10T12:37:00.001+08:00

i wanna die.

2011-06-09T13:09:00.000+08:00

The feeling of losing everything. That's what i'm feeling now.

Do you feel it too?

Why?

2011-06-09T12:30:00.004+08:00

离开一个地方，风景就不再属于你；错过一个人，那人便与你无关。到最后、你总会明白、谁是虚心假意、谁是真心实意、谁为了你不顾一切。

i dreamed about him again yesterday night. What happened in the dream i don't remember at all. i try hard not to think about him during the day but at night when i'm sleeping soundly it's different. It's not like we're dead right.. My whole day mood ruined because of this :/

i am so free. Why am i so free? i want uni to start soon. i want to have an aim in life again and things to do again. Although i'm of course scared about starting a new life in somewhere i don't know anyone. AGAIN. Maybe i'll just aim on being a loner so i don't have to go through the trouble of making friends again. i want to stop thinking everything that might be going on. At least not being a burden like i am now.

i hang out too much. i spend too much. i shop too much. i think i'm such a 败家女 sometimes. ishhh.

Why don't you just tell us the truth. If there is anything to tell at all. i don't like to live in lies. i am not dumb you know. If it is what i figure it is and you tell us everything that is going on, at least we'll put a stop to the excessive spending in all the wrong places.

For the first time, i'm scared because of this. And there's no one i can tell about this. i could talk to her about it, but it'll just make her scared too.

i trust you to make me laugh like crazy and forget everything for a while.

This post's for you.

2011-06-07T18:35:00.003+08:00

You are crazy, and i'm too, that's why we're friends. Birds of the same feathers flock together. Even though i'm flying to kedah, we'll always be friends ;)

Thanks for everything.

Just because i miss them too much..

2011-06-06T23:33:00.003+08:00

2011-06-06T23:21:00.003+08:00

Love till you hate

Strong till you break

Know that we all fall down

Today

2011-06-06T11:25:00.003+08:00

Exactly one month since i did my last paper in utp and also exactly one month till my life in aimst starts.

i browsed through some pictures of aimst in my friend's profile. Not like i'm exactly excited about it, i just happened to come across them. It can't be compared at all. But it's not like i have any other choices right now right? Mum would kill me if i refuse to go :X i get kinda freakin really jealous when i see my friends getting to do what they want to. Not like i don't get to do what i want, i'm just unsure what i really wanna do. Hopefully once i have my foot stepped on this path i won't be unsure anymore. i'll be left with no choice anyway because if i leave within one year i'll have to pay more than i received back to jpa. Once i'm unsure maybe i'll study hard. If i study hard then maybe, just maybe i won't be a disappointment anymore. It'll have to work out this way.

i'm addicted to all fall down by one republic, especially the cello in the beginning. One republic is such a blessing. Without them, music just ain't music. i have this sudden urge to marry one republic's cellist, or at least someone who can play CELLO, so that every night i can fall asleep with the sound of strings coming from beside me.

You know, all the memories so close to me are starting to fade away bit by bit already. It's a good thing i guess. It wasn't even five months. By the end of the year the time that i have left there would be more than the time that i was there. Right now it's not as bad as the first few days but every time i meet up with someone from there i start to miss it again. My mum said that i should stop keeping in touch with them so that soon i'll be able to forget them completely. But i won't. Even if i want i can't. i just can't imagine my life without them in it, however little.

Look at me. Not even one month back in ipoh and i'm crushing on N guys again. Not like i even meet a lot of guys. i guess ipoh guys are more attractive after all, and more heartbreaking. Not like i even like them or anything. But when you don't have anyone in particular on your mind, not anymore, there's no harm in looking around and trying to appreciate the beauty of God's creation right? lol.

i wonder if you still keep them inside there.

2011-06-03T22:40:00.002+08:00

Sorry, i was acting so stupidly and meanly.

i swear i'm emotionally dumb.

女孩の心声

2011-05-18T16:27:00.003+08:00

我只是个女孩，我希望有人疼，有人爱，有人包容，有人让我撒娇，有人可以吃我做的饭，有人可以夸我乖，有人能陪在我身边，有人能过马路的时候拉着我的手，有人能给我安全。有人喜欢带我逛街，穿高跟鞋走累了都会有人背；有人乐意带我去他去的各种场合，并把我介绍给他的朋友们。

我只是个女孩，我希望有人关心，有人保护，有人会记得每天告诉我晚安，有人告诉我他对我很安心。有人记得我们一起过去的点滴，有人绝对不把我们之间的承诺作儿戏。有人告诉我，照顾我，他一点也不累。

我只是个女孩，我希望有人认同我，有人认真思考然后告诉我他觉得我的话其实也有道理，在我做了点可爱的事情以后摸摸我的头鼓励我做的好。有人不轻易夸我，也不吝啬使劲夸我。

我只是个女孩，我希望能有人惦记我，在我郁闷大哭的时候把我的头按在胸膛哭够了问我怎么了。我希望有人告诉我，有时候想念我令他难受。我不娇气，不放纵，不说谎，偶尔无理取闹，偶尔缠着他给我买东西。偶然一条短信告诉我他想我，我就知足。我不演戏，我什么都相信。我说过的话都算数，所以，对我说过的，别忘记。请别忘记。我会尽量变得更乖，相信海誓山盟。努力相信自己配的上自由和幸福。

我只是个女孩，我喜欢诚实的人。因为我诚实。但是我有时候会忍不住，所以也允许别人有同样的忍不住。如果我说我们不会再见了，我一定会躲开你。也许我还会在街边偷偷见你，因为我会忍不住想你，想见你，你又会如何回忆我。我会放过你，却无法放过自己，放不过附身的记忆。往事通缉，孤单侵袭，也许习惯就可以。如果我的想念喷薄而出，我不会告诉你。尽管如此，那些思念依然值得我珍惜。

我只是个女孩，如果我相信你，我会告诉你，我可以不勇敢吗，我想让自己不勇敢。那些勇敢的人都未必幸福，因为是不幸让他们勇敢。我喜欢被勇敢的你守护着，因为有你，所以我不需要勇敢。

我只是个女孩。我会难过，但是不会自甘堕落。我会伤心，但是会努力让自己不要伤心太久。也许我会遇见一个微笑的魔鬼，他将指引我，给我奇异的火花，他将短暂的照亮我的心灵。他会交给我幸福的预感，却拒绝给我一点点幸福。也许我会遇见一个烂醉的天使，他神经质地微笑，给我看他掉了毛的翅膀，但是上面残存的每一片，都是能令我撑死的幸福。

我只是个女孩，只想那个烂醉的天使，那个哪怕是翅膀上缺少羽翼的天使，好好的守护我… …

Copied this from fb =)

2011-05-17T21:42:00.002+08:00

Screw it, i really wanna stay. But i know i can't.

Medicine, please be nice to me :)

2011-05-17T12:28:00.003+08:00

It's time to start a brand new journey again. Before jpa came out everyone was really nervous. It just kept getting postponed and postponed. i got a local offer at aimst for medicine. i'll have to do foundation in science for a year and a 5 year mbbs(bachelor of medicine and bachelor of surgery), a total of 6 years. After that there'll be 2 years of in-house training and 10 years of bond with the government. By the time i'm free, i'll already be 36. Woah, , i'll be the lou yeh this time. At first i was quite disappointed that i didn't get my first choice for uk law. Now i believe that God has led me to where i'm meant to be and what i need to do now is do my best.

It was at most, four months. Leaving a place that i call my second home and i'm so used to. That is practically my life now, it hurts so bad to lose everything. At least it was only four months.. Nothing is permanent yet. A lot of people left and i'm one of them. Even before getting jpa i'd planned to leave and do a levels. But nobody told me that it'd be this hard. It's still ok now but when other people go back after the sem break it'll feel really weird that i'm not one of them.

Calvin said nobody will borrow me lab reports to copy anymore. There'll be no Chin Seng there to let me take a look at test papers. No Stella and Debra to fetch me out for dinner. No hot roommate anymore. Going home won't be as easy as it used to be. Just a text to Calvin or whoever fetching me home to ask them the time and i'll be home in less than an hour. Perhaps girls are more sentimental.

But well i'm trying to look at the bright side. Medicine is a course i had always wanted to do but didn't because i was unsure whether i'm up to it, and it's too expensive and it would burden my family a lot. It would be tough. i heard from someone that even if your're in their foundation in science course it would still require work to get into the med degree because they have limited places and everyone's fighting for it. Putting my faith on Him and never stop trying will help a lot.

i'm so free now that i don't know what to do. sien ar. And it's for two months some more. i'll try to get my hand on biology notes and start reading. i'll shop like mad. i shall also utilize this long break and learn baking. Of course i'll try not to set the house on fire. i'll try not to miss UTP too much..

Nothing lasts forever, but while it does, i'll hold on to it..

2011-04-12T20:38:00.000+08:00

if only the earth would open and swallow me whole, i wouldn't had to think anymore

2011-04-12T02:30:00.002+08:00

或许是自己占有心太强，怕失去拥有的一切，所以这么没有安全感。原谅我的幼稚也谢谢你们对我这么好。

2011-03-26T21:06:00.001+08:00

i feel like crying.

If only

2011-03-26T13:39:00.001+08:00

i can't wait to pack my things and get outta here.

You're still you no matter what results you get. Your results do not define you =)

2011-03-23T17:01:00.000+08:00

It was okay

2011-03-23T16:06:00.002+08:00

i don't feel anything at all.

no sadness.

no happiness.

One more to everything. One more, and i can leave and do something i like.

So why?

It's today

2011-03-23T01:35:00.002+08:00

Nervously pacing back and forth. 1:37am, i can't sleep. i wasn't really nervous until today, when i realize that it's really happening. The result of what we studied for two year are coming out. It doesn't really matter to me because i already have utp lol. But still, i'm excited and scared.

Please, let it be a celebration.

i'm praying hard, for me and all my friends.

Either way, i will cry, lol. Tears of happiness or tears of sadness. Let's see.

Good luck everyone =)

2011-03-19T11:32:00.001+08:00

i shouldn't like but i do.

i shouldn't miss but i do.

so how?

RAWR!

2011-03-18T18:13:00.002+08:00

i'm back in action.

i'm so not going to be moody again.

Test 1 was a flunk, gotta work harder, can i?

Spm result's coming out next wednesday. Everyone's nervous but i'm kinda indifferent. idk why. Maybe it's because i'm already a uni student and everything, it doesn't really matter that much? But of course i hope the results will be good la.

You all are leaving for college. One this week, one next week, and the others will follow soon after. To much further places, unlike me who'll always be sort of an ipoh gal :D i wish you all a happy and fruitful future.

This sounds kinda selfish. But i hope no one will leave after getting their results. i fell in love with this uni. i am so in love with everyone.

Sometimes waves of loneliness hits with high amplitude

2011-03-17T17:24:00.002+08:00

And the feeling of loneliness in a crowd.

OMG scary.

Less than perfect

2011-03-17T01:19:00.004+08:00

i miss being able to listen to youtube covers of songs and watch videos whenever i want to, without using headphones.

i guess that's just one of the little things you get used to.

We went for kayak today, the 3 of us. We waited for a while in the car, and then circled the lake in someone else's bike. Wind blowing against my face. Shuang dao. The person in charge finally came for a change, although he was still late.

Life jacket on, everything on. The 3 of us took turns with a kayak that only has 2 seats. Kayaking in a lake is so different from kayaking in the sea. It might be just me, but it's easier done in the sea. Remember the time when we float with our life jackets in pangkor.

Splashing each other with water. With hands, with pedals. Someone splashing me and me splashing another innocent person. Losing control of the kayak. Not telling the directions clearly making it difficult for my friend to control the kayak. Crashing into other people's kayak.

i'm such a burden to everyone anywhere i go. Perhaps i should leave.

Holding friends' phones waiting by the shore, life jacket on the ground. Someone got down and his friend went for another round with me. We kept on making jokes about getting the kayak upside down. And threatened each other to turn the kayak into the water, together with actions =.=

SPLASH

Into the water we go, bodies still in the kayak. In a panic, struggled to get out. We both tried to grab hold of the kayak when the person in charge told us to let go and walk to the shore. i wasn't that scared because the water was swallow and i knew that i won't drown. Yet the bottom of the lake was so slippery and muddy i could barely walk. Totally forgot about my flip flops, which were floating in the lake until someone reminded me and he got it for me. The pedals too.

Too much jokes. Too much lameness. But it was fun. Almost exhilarating. You don't get thrown into the lake everyday k? HAHAHA. Of course i hope this is the first and last time la. i smelled so muddy and fishy lol.

Life needs excitement.

Yesterday, we walked to english tutorial in the rain. Heavy rain. Thunder. Lightning. My umbrella was turned upside down by the rain. Soaking wet, i looked like i just had a bath. Nuclear explosion, acid rain, that's what our tutor talked about.

Sentence of the day: If you die, i want your ipod.

Freezing cold, we asked to go back early. He allowed. My awesome friend came to fetch us.

Yesterday, seating in the car, all soaking wet, i saw a rainbow. Maybe there's hope for me.

Maybe.

i need hugs

2011-03-05T01:22:00.002+08:00

big ones

Thanks for everything.

2011-02-24T19:31:00.001+08:00

The truth is, everyone is hurting me.

2011-02-19T00:26:00.002+08:00

Without realizing it.

How to help myself

2011-02-17T16:45:00.003+08:00

17th of february.

Exactly one month since it all started.

i don't know what happened this month either. It's the worst month of my life.

First time celebrating valentine's day with friends. First time walking alone in a dark place at night. First time doing this annoying thing called pre-calculus. First time playing squash in a tennis court. First time going to class without uniforms. First time riding in a car at 140km/h.

All the excitements and first times. It all ends in emptiness and depression.

i realized that it is my own problem. It doesn't matter where i am. Freaking out. Emotionally unstable. Always wanting time alone. Always calling everyone. That doesn't stop me from wanting to go home, wait for my results, wait until july intake and forget this month ever happened.

My friend told me to pray to God. i don't know. i don't want to. i remember how i used to talk to God and read the bible and how it touched me everytime and everything feels alright after that. But i don't want to. i'll cry. i'm guilty. i don't even know what God is anymore.

i have a lot of things unsaid. A lot kept in my heart. A lot that i want to tell but don't know who to. No one i trust here at all.

Mistrust.

Amidst all the crying and homesickness, i gain nothing.

Pain is temporary, quitting lasts forever :)

2011-01-30T14:07:00.001+08:00

i can do it.

update

2011-01-22T10:16:00.002+08:00

Mixed emotions.

Longing for the place i chose not to go.

i don't regret.

I need one of my best friends with me, everything feels so tough now.

imy

You have no idea how much i miss you.

i'm sorry if i annoy.

i just miss home too much.

i wanna smell my bed.

i prefer to alone when faced with people i don't know well.

But i know that i have to forge friendships.

5 years. It's a long time.

Uni life starts tomorrow =)

2011-01-16T21:30:00.001+08:00

Nervous!!! Excited!!!

:O

:O

:)

:D

Some random pictures over the holidays

2011-01-16T01:42:00.003+08:00

The land of Merlion- Part I

2011-01-15T02:31:00.012+08:00

Day 1

i had the best new year this year! On the 1st of Jan, me and my cg friends: Wen En, Jenny, Audrey and Joanne boarded a bus to Singapore with Audrey's mum. Grassland bus company, i still have the ticket with me and shall keep it forever lol. The bus ride is around 8 hours with a one hour break in between in some kawasan rehat in Johor. We talked all the way there, took pictures of our ICs, ipods and iphones and slept for a bit. Audrey was sleeping with her mum in front. hahahahahaha. After passing through both the Singapore and Malaysia custom we were brought to a bus station in don't-know-where of singapore. Aud went to his uncle's place with her mum. Stephen, Jenny's friend from youth don't-know-how-many-years ago came and lead us to his apartment. i was worried about the sort of person that we're going to stay with for 6 days but after seeing him for the first time i now there's nothing to be worried about. hahahahah. We can probably kidnap him if we want to. After settling down in the guest room of his apartment(thank you apartment owner!). We had dinner in a hawker stall called botak jones. i tell you right, their food are better than the average restaurant in Malaysia, and Stephen said they have many branches too. Their fries are unforgettable! Big fat fries topped with melted cheese and sambal. Stephen say that we might die if we eat too much of that. hahahahahah. The night ended with ice cream for dessert in a place called udder's ice cream.

Apple FTW! :)

Wen En sleeping.

Botak jones burger!

Best fries ever!

The guy himself. hahahahah

My ice-cream! The flavour is wineberry and it's alcoholic too!

Stephen's, mine and Jenny's.

Wen En and Joanne's. Vanilla and chocolate ice-cream with the best waffles.

Scribbles on the board using highlight pen. We were here :)

Day 2

We were still really energetic because it was only the second day. Early in the morning(quite early i guess) we woke up, get dressed and boarded bus 7 to orchard road. Most of the buses there are double-decker buses! As it takes quite some time to reach orchard road from Bedok we went to the upstairs of the bus. We met Aud at a book shop in Ion Orchard Mall and started shopping. At first, we went to this shop called the little things she needs. I bought a pair of cute blue boots. Me, Aud and Wen En bought headbands too! They're so versatile and we can bend it any shape we want. And the shopping bag is so nice. After browsing some other shops we walked to 313 @ somerset. i forgot if we had lunch lol. It is the best mall ever. They have zara, cotton on...etc at bargain prices and a 4 story forever 21. We took pictures all the way on orchard road. The scenery was really amazing especially at night. After all the shopping we had dinner in a japanese restaurant, and i forgot what else we did that night lol.

We were trying to imitate the drawings on the glass.

Craziest friends ever.

ZARA :)

FOREVER 21:) i'm not even 18 yet lah.

Night at orchard road.

Salmon.

Beef.

i will miss you =)

to be continued :)

Here i am again, an update before university

2011-01-14T20:09:00.005+08:00

My blog is so dead. If my friend didn't remind me about it it'll continue to be abandoned but now that i remembered that i have a blog again, it's time to blog.

SPM ended on the 9th of December. It has been quite some time since and it is now the 14th of January. And the freedom i have enjoyed so much will end abruptly, as i'm going to further my studies next Monday.

17th of Jan.
So fast. Time flies. It's in less than 3 days.

This is where i'll be going.

Top view

Don't know what this is

The library

The logo

i was going to do a levels in KYUEM but when i was in singapore UTP sent an offer letter to my house saying that they have a place for me there. After careful consideration i decided to go for it. What do i have to lose right. The only thing i don't like about it is that there is no air-con in their rooms. How to survive in such a hot weather right? Maybe i'll sleep in the huge library? My friend's friend is going to and she introduced us so we'll probably be room mates lol. i'll get use to it. It's quite a nice place. i hope i'll love it? i have to because after all i'll be in there for 5 years. That's a lot.

The choice between two places that can't be compared because they are too different and the choice of career. i've made both of them in a rush. i hope i won't regret, especially in terms of choice of career because it is not something that a girl usually does. A lot of people are skeptical. i know my parents are. But thankfully they still let me do what i want and there are also people who fully support what i am doing. I wouldn't have gotten myself into it if i think i can't do it. i'm not as impulsive as i used to be. i do think about it carefully, but maybe not careful enough. i hope i'll be able to get a job next time though, lol.

Foundation in engineering and then degree in chemical engineering.
Thank you Lord for giving me wisdom when making my choice.

i wanna do well, like really well in university. But it depends on if i am able to lol. I'll work my hardest and try my best. The course i'm taking sounds really hard, and everyone who entered UTP are surely quite smart and competitive. i can do it. i can, i can, i can do it. i will do it.

:) to be continued

Don't let the one you've always wanted keep you from loving the one who's right in front of you.

2011-01-13T18:16:00.001+08:00

i feel like doing something to this blog.

Not today. Later?

See you on both sides =P

2010-12-19T02:22:00.000+08:00

http://full-on-rainstorm.tumblr.com/

i'm now on tumblr. Find me there!

Grenade

2010-12-17T00:49:00.004+08:00

Easy come, easy go, that's just the way you are
Oh take, take, take it all but you never give
-Bruno Mars, Grenade

i don't believe people who are together treating each other equally. Often, someone would give more and someone would give less. Everything is like this one, in families too, even friendship.

i need some ice cold water, i told her. i'm so not chilled. i can't do this anymore. Trying to make music with fragile guitar strings is not easy, just like holding on to a strained friendship. It may snap anytime, and i'm tired. In my case, many strained friendships. i'm so glad that there all people along the way who can close that void for me, make me feel better. But without all the old friends, i'll never be whole again.

i don't want to comment on the incident. No one knows and no one will know. But it just sucks you know that you're the one always trying your best to keep in touch and all your efforts are like, in vain and it's always like you are not doing enough, and you feel like you're victim to other people's sensitivity.

When your emotions are all mixed up isn't it hard to put it into words? i'm overflowing with emotions but what i write here today is probably totally irrelevant with what i'm feeling. If you are happy i advice you not to listen to sad songs. They'll totally spoil your fun. TOTALLY.

i was really happy last few days. Really happy. i was practically radiating happiness you know. i was like, everything is going great in life. Really really great. Now it still is, but then imperfections starts to come in. And i'm losing grip. i'm losing sight of the big picture.

i want to get drunk and forget about all this. i want someone to take me out to party. Yet i'm becoming more and more of a good girl. And yet i hate this. i want to be carefree like i was two or three years ago. i want to break rules. i want to create trouble and laugh it off. i don't like to restrain myself to be something i am not completely. It's not like i'm faking. i always try to be as true as i can be to everyone. But i'm lying to myself. Sucha big liar. Big fat liar. i want to unleash myself. i don't want to be pressed down. i want to be lazy as i can. i want to be everything i am not now and would never be again.

But i'm tied down. Tied down with wanting to please. Wanting to impress. Not wanting to let down. Not wanting to disappoint people that are actually good to me. Tied down with my actions.

i wonder what happens when we mix all the colours
Will it become one different colour
Or a beautiful rainbow.

i don't like feelings to be wasted. That's what she told me just now.

Funnily, that's what i'm doing.

i really really wanna know what you are thinking. i really really think i'm a stupid idiot. i really really don't wanna be a mean bitch. i really really wanna forget. i really really wanna believe that i have moved on.

Put it into one sentence, and i wonder if i ever crossed your mind.

All i really really want is not happening. AHHHH.

i really really hope that going away helps in everything. Yet it won't. Something tells me it won't. And i hope that something is wrong. Dreadfully wrong. Please?

It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be worth it. They'll make you feel at home. You are doing all the subjects you like. Yet...

i'll be a good girl this time around. i'll dress according to the dress code. i'll listen to lectures attentively. i'll do my revision. i'll try my best.

i had never been like this before. i always have all the big things in control although i mess up small things in life all the time. i can go a whole day without realizing that my shoelaces are untied. But, i never lost control like this.

i want to be happy again. Because always when i'm happy everything goes great, nothing goes wrong. When a little thing goes wrong i get emo again although i don't have a good enough reason. And when i'm emo everything goes wrong. Oh help.

It's time to make new year resolutions.

*Try my best in everything.
*Keep in touch.
*Be happy.
*Do what i like.
*FORGET YOU.

Impossible, all of them.

LIKES :)

2010-12-15T13:04:00.001+08:00

i love our late night chats until 3am everyday. i'm so sorry if i'm hindering your econs preparation. But kinda pity loh the people getting said by us everytime we start gossiping. But nvm right? It's all in good spirits, we don't have bad intentions. LOL

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

2010-12-12T21:20:00.004+08:00

Hmm..what to buy, what to buy? i'm making a list. i'm thinking of what to buy and who to give them to.
i had never been this excited before.
i'm counting how much i can afford to buy.
i'm wondering whether to give something to my non-christian friends, too, YES i'll.
i want to wrap them up with sparkling wrapping paper and tie them with big red and white ribbon.
i want each gift to mean something to the person i'm giving it to, to make them feel special, because they are.
i wanna celebrate this meaningful celebration of Christ with style and with utmost love.
Because this year had been a life transforming experience, and you all are part of it.

xxx

and i wanted to post about outings but i'm lazy. tomorrow.

Today is the tomorrow of yesterday and the yesterday of tomorrow.

2010-12-10T03:18:00.005+08:00

Dad, "Exam over, happy? Faster take a bath and change out of your school uniform."
Me, "Err, actually i will wear it for just a few more hours because it will be my last time ever wearing it."

SPM is over baby :) Can you believe it? It felt just like yesterday, the times when we try to study in school but talked instead, the time we asked prefects to buy food for us so that we can have something to eat instantly during recess because we're just TOO HUNGRY TO LINE UP. The last few days when i just tried to withstand everything to leave in good spirits and have awesome last memories. Made amends, no regrets :)

i had so much to blog about spm but once i start to type everything is gone from my mind. Maybe my brain has it's own way of getting rid of unpleasant memories lol.

The tale of SPM:

BM
i thought i was quite well prepared coz i spent the last 3 days before bm reading komsas and the novel stuffs. But once i get inside the hall it all just fell apart maybe because i was nervous for the first paper. My essays were so damn messed up and my handwriting was even worst than my school exercise book writing. Imagine how bad that is. Paper 2 is no better either although the questions are unbelievably easy. i didn't get the leaks either. SORRY.

BI
It's the most fun paper. It's practically no stress at all. The night before i flipped through everything once and went to sleep. Writing the essay was great too. i got absorbed in my own fiction and almost forgot that i'm having exams. The only downside is that time was almost up when i was just about to reach the most interesting part of the story. i had to abruptly end it. Sadnyer :(

SEJARAH
Ughh i almost finished the whole freakin syllabus and the only 4 pages i didn't read came out as one whole mandatory structure question. Jabatan pelajaran must be kidding me. Thank god i have a bit of memory about it from reading it 3 weeks before. The questions were almost like my trials so i think i did pretty ok. Should be able to get A lah. What A i don't know lol.

MATH
It's boring. It's 3:54pm now and i'll fall asleep instantly if i talk about it.

MORAL
The questions are all KBKKs. So unfair coz i studied all the format and stuffs. Oh wells. At least i could answer most of them. There was on question, about how to improve the quality of durian fruits. Seriously, is the jabatan pelajaran thinking of combining biology and moral to save funds? Awesome.

ADD MATH
It's easier than expected. And i did better than expected too because usually even if the questions are easy i won't be able to do a lot of them. Maybe my work paid off. i think i won't disappoint in this :)

PHYSICS
LOVE LOVE LOVE. it's pure fun. Although i probably didn't get so much correct and the paper is terribly hard, i am still satisfied. i don't know why. Maybe it's because i'm weird. One of the little experiments i memorized came out! Awesome whee. i'm so gonna take physics for a-levels. More prove of how weird i am. Omgosh.

CHEMISTRY
What do you expect me to say about this? Take someone, make the person study electrolysis, and let the person take the chemistry paper. The person will surely pass the paper because there were just so many of those. wth i spent weeks studying those organic chemistry chapters like carbon compoounds and soaps to answer around 5 obj questions. Ridiculous.

BIOLOGY
It was tough. I admit i couldn't finish reading the whole syllabus. i never even read some things. But hey they actually didn't come out. i'm so lucky :) The questions were hard. i couldn't really do them although i actually read those chapters.

ACCOUNTS
Epic fail.

MERDEKA. TIDAK LAGI BERADA DI BAWAH PENJAJAHAN SPM YANG ZALIM.

YEAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA

i wanted to go back to december, but since it's december again, i'll move on :D

i'm so not MIA in anything. HEY i deserve all the FUN in the world after the hard work(okay maybe not so hard) before and during spm. i can dye my hair any colour i want and get a tattoo and get drunk? lol And i want my share of post spm entertainment although i'm going to college on the 11th of january. Only one month to have fun, travel, prepare the documents required, buy college clothes and pack at the same time. It feels not enough at all considering the amount of fun i'm treating myself with. It's set in stone. Nothing can change it because i have my mind set on that place and so do my parents. Nothing will be able to alter my decision because to me, that is the perfect college and i am with my ABSOLUTELYAMAZINGBESTFRIEND. Wow first time i say that haha :)

GET CASH
MOVIE
MORE MOVIES
MOVIES AGAIN
MOVIE MARATHON
CASH RELOAD
SHOPPING
MORE SHOPPING
SHOPPING AGAIN
SING K
SING MORE
SING UNTIL NO VOICE
READ NOVELS
MORE NOVELS
NOVELS ARE AWESOME
STOP EATING SO MUCH
KEEP FIT
GET A DIET
SINGAPORE
SINGAPORE AGAIN
DIE FROM MOVIE AND SHOPPING OVERDOSE. ahh that sounds much better than biology and sejarah overdose. Ahh nikmat :D

i suddenly have the urge to say that I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING FRIENDS IN THE WORLD. i don't know why, i suddenly just wanna shout it out. My cg friends are one big wonderful family, WEN EN JENNY AUDREY BEVERLY WAI SZE JOANNE JANICE did i left anyone out? amc people are still great JAMIELYN JEAN PING MEIWAN KELLY POOK SHUHUA MINGYEE whoever whoever i can't think now and mgs people FAZILAH DAYANA JENNY CHENG MEI HWEI AGAIN HAHA VIVIAN SHARON POOI SEE. AWESOME, JUST AWESOME. it's nice knowing that i won't die in loneliness like i used to fear in the beginning of this year HAHAHAHAHA.

Sorry if this post doesn't make sense. It's right after spm after all LOL. i promise to make more sense next time. i'm so going to sleep right after this, or else i won't have the energy for a long day of fun tomorrow. 4:30 am. Good morning/night.

And don't forget the role He played in my smooth-sailing spm exam. God is great indeed. At all times.

I have a sudden urge to blog even though it's the middle of spm. What to say? 7 down, 3 more to go. It was quite ok especially addmath :D

2010-12-02T17:28:00.001+08:00

Aw gosh can u believe that it's so near, spm is officially tomorrow. We studied 11 years for this. Good luck!

2010-11-22T01:36:00.002+08:00

It was all okay until u reminded me of something I want to forget n said things tat amplified my insecurities by 100 times. I dislike this feeling.

2010-11-21T00:29:00.002+08:00

Yoke Ping and Dayana happy birthday. Good luck for spm everyone.

2010-11-19T09:20:00.001+08:00

Ready?

2010-11-18T08:32:00.003+08:00

For the first time, i think i'm actually quite well prepared. But of course many people are more prepared than me. My friends are already reading second rounds. Omgosh.

i won't let the sun go down on me. i won't be satisfied with a B or A-

Cheers.

Shattering dreams

2010-11-09T22:46:00.007+08:00

No one knows this side of me. i had always loved to write. i wanted to become a writer, or a traveling journalist and write stories for a living. i guess when i get older reality starts to hit in.

We are living in Malaysia, a country using bm as a main language and most of the literature are in malay too. It's not US or UK where everyone who write nice stories can get published and become famous. And i don't want the fame or money you know, writing and english literature is the one and only thing i really have a passion for. i'm not passionless like everyone thinks. But as usual, i love the wrong things.

Also, i had never won any TOP prices in any writing competition. See the word top? i had always get consolation prices or something but never any of the first, second or third price. i wonder if it would be the right thing for me to do if i can't even write things catchy and interesting enough. i have the talent. i'd be stupid not to realize what myself can do. But, my english is totally not good. My vocab is like that of a primary school kid. Plus, i'm chinese educated, remember? i don't want to take the wrong step and be stuck in a life of poverty and low status. Perhaps i'm extremely superficial. But, according to mum, according to grandma, according to a lot of people, status is extremely important. Life is just a constant climb clamoring up the social ladder trying to reach the top.

Maybe if it really doesn't work i can become an english teacher. But then, i won't like it. Not that the pay is not good or anything. In fact i think it's really worth it and you only work half a day and have two months of holidays a year. Or a lecturer. Cause you know, if you are a teachers' nightmare like me you won't want to go anywhere near the job of an educator as you know the type of students you'll have to face, not only my type but also those much worse than me.

At last i decided to take up chemical engineering. And i most probably won't change my mind because the time to make a decision is nearing. i battled with the demons inside me that want to leave science for once and for all all the time. i really think that i'm not hardworking nor good enough. Maybe i'm smart enough for public school but once i go to higher studies everyone else will be as smart, if not smarter than me. But then, after a lot of hesitation i realize that it'll be such a waste to give it up. i want to become a doctor and calm people and save lives, but i dislike biology. And i honestly don't think i have so much determination to make it through five years of biology. It's like, take your form 4 and form 5 bio textbook and multiply it by a hundred. i'll just...save lives by becoming an organ donor.

Everybody's saying that it's a guy's job. My parents said i'll get calls day and night and never get to sleep a full night of sleep. i'll work like a dog. ANJINGneer. My mum said her colleagues nearly fainted when they heard about my ambition. Also, i heard that the oil plants and factories only employ guys coz they are less accident prone than girls and they can't afford to have bad things happening to workers. And that's where my interest lies. Gender discrimination, so bad right? There are less job opportunities. Which means less possibility to earn so huge salaries. i'm so money-minded sometimes i'm ashamed of myself. However, when some people hear about it they DO agree with my decision. They might not be the best people to talk about it, but it can't be such a terrible choice if there are people who support it right. Plus, isn't chemicial engineering a rising industry?

i have to do something i don't hate, and earn adequate money at the same time. Isn't it the obvious choice because i am not bad in chemistry and physics? So, dear parents, if you happen to read this, please don't make fun of my new ambition anymore because you probably never loved anything like i love those words, and don't know how hard it is to give up doing something you really love. It hurts, it didn't matter that much but it suddenly hits me with such amplitude that i'm someone who is afraid to give up everything to chase my dreams. i'm a coward, i'm afraid and as a result i have to settle for something less.

The ambitions on my blue card made me laugh. Singer, wth? At least i didn't write supermodel. Astronomer? lol. Veterinarian, writer, doctor and lawyer are the more normal ones.

In conclusion, i'm so lost. HAHA.

See, see, see? i knew i won't be able to forget you, despite what she told me. i should right? i probably should. There are so many other, better, nicer people but yet, for me, it had always been you. Not from the start, but it has been a long time. Since, trials? lol. Maybe it's not that long after all. i don't know why because you're totally not what i usually like but i can't control my feelings nor change the fact. So, to that certain person, if you ever do find out, please don't blame me for this. i'm trying very hard to stay away and not bring trouble to you. i don't think you'll because i hid it so well and no one's gonna tell you because no one knows. i'll just try to forget you, in fact try very hard. Thankfully i won't see you again in this few months because coming face-to-face and talking with you again will make it harder.

Nasib baik, we're not even keeping in touch.

Someone died one house apart from me. My school mate's house. It's an old man/woman, according to the words on the white lanterns. i'm wondering if i should go over and offer my condolences. Maybe i'll do it in school tomorrow.

Rest in peace, whoever you are. i hope you had a long and happy life.

Paranoid much?

2010-11-06T23:08:00.009+08:00

Her: There are just people you hate anywhere.
Me: Maybe i'm a hateful person.

Maybe i shouldn't trust anyone completely. i have trusted so many different people at so many different points of my life but all of them let me down at some point in one way or another. Some of them did it for my own good and some of them out of sheer selfishness. i used the kind of person that doesn't need to have many friends to be happy coz i trust my best friends very much but now i need to have everyone under the sky as my friend to feel secure. Coz face it, it's very hard to find a truly best and trustworthy friend. It's impossible not to get annoyed at your friend or feeling like staying away from them at one time or another. i don't really treat every single friend honestly either. i admit. i back stabbed people. i lied. i cheat. i faked. Not now, long time ago. And i regret every single time i did it and they didn't amount to anything big, but still, it doesn't change the fact that i did it. Bottom line, i still love all my friends. But sometimes it's impossible not to get really annoyed at what i don't agree of their actions and it's hard to resist being with people i'm more comfortable with. So weird right? But i don't bother myself with all this lah, i only blog about it, that's all. What i truly am inside is so different from what i show outside or maybe it's not really that different because i change all the time.

The more i crack a smile, the more i crack inside.

i get so jealous seeing big group photos in blue and white school uniform and people looking happy taking photos in the photo booth.
But each time i'm doing it, i feel empty.

When exams are coming, i eat too much and still study too little.

i never realized how much i need to get a diet until he made me realize so. HAHA wtf.

Exploding sparkling juice and coke, mackers fries and burgers, indian treats, jelly cake. Making up stories trying to hide the fun truth. They're so creative. They looked so happy and it made me happy too. You don't know how much i wish everyday were like this. i want to stop going into every day feeling afraid. i am human too , you know. i'm breakable.

It's so unfair, how some people get to have close friends that trust each other and do everything together. Or maybe it's my own fault. i'm too not trusting. i need to stop looking at other people's pictures.

Fireworks are beautiful but the sound of it starts to get annoying after a few days.

tired of this

2010-11-05T18:04:00.018+08:00

i told my mum she better change her plans, if not i'm SO mad i can't study and WON'T STUDY.
but i'm studying behind her back and i get what i want.

exam rocks and i'm a terrible daughter and i love it :)

Oh holding my breath, oh won't see you again, something keeps me holding on to nothing.

After the storm comes the rainbow

2010-11-03T13:13:00.005+08:00

SPM is like what? 18 days? and i'm not even studying much. i'm so scared and stressed out not because i'm studying a lot but because i feel so guilty. i wonder how you people stuff carbon compounds and digestion and those komsas stuffs and watever in one month.

i don't like all the subjects. i dislike studying even if i can. i'm never made to succeed in life. LOL

Bio sucks. Physics sucks. Chemistry sucks. English sucks. BM sucks. Add math sucks. Math sucks. Moral sucks. Sejarah sucks. Accounts SUCKS VERY MUCH.

Boo accounts lol. i still won't read it. hmph. who tell you to force me to take.

idk what's wrong with me lately too. i seem to get annoyed by everyone all the time. i mean really annoyed that i can slap and punch them anytime including those people that are good to me. i don't know what's wrong hahaha. Maybe they're really annoying. Or maybe i'm going crazy.

What's the probability? You ask me. i'll tell you that probability doesn't matter, because if something is meant to happen it will happen no matter how improbable it is.

i know this not right. i know this will make everyone mad at me yet i still continue to annoy. i hope you all forgive me.

i go back to december all the time

2010-10-31T23:56:00.003+08:00

i realized that i love the feeling of sadness. i'd listen to sad songs all day to make myself feel sad even when there is nothing to be sad of. Maybe i'm not capable of being happy anymore. i get more and more depressed and then i feel nothing at all. And i love that feeling.

Lately i even start to find happy songs sad. i don't know why. i guess they're too happy they make me sad. Like in real life, when i see happy things i feel sad because i'm not in them. Even when i'm happy about something when i think about it i'll make it sad in my mind.

Many songs relate to me. Not the whole thing because almost all the songs in the world is about loven and i don't go around liking people. Sometimes only little parts of the songs reminds me of a situation, somebody or something. And all the other parts are completely irrelevant. Three or four lines, i can replay them over and over again the whole night and do nothing except for listening to them.

Something keeps me holding on to nothing
Come on, come on don't leave me like this
i thought i had you figured out

Trouble is a friend
Trouble is a friend

It is us against the world
You and me against them all

i go back to december turn and make it alright
i go back to december turn around and change my own mind
i go back to december all the time
all the time

Four among many.

What's there to be afraid of? i tell myself.
And that gets me through every good and bad days
Because i realize that good things scare me
i'm scared they won't last

At least now i know that no amount of regret can't bring back something that is done. What is wrong can't be undone. Now that i actually can't see the situation without any bitterness, hatred and blame i realized that it was actually a right decision because i learned a lot and grew a lot. But no matter how right it is i would still had do it differently if i could.

From the first day when i actually hide behind the staircase and cried after coming back from the staff room and she told me to make new friends. i thought of all of them going to school on the first day and that i was supposed to be part of that, instead i couldn't even find my way here and had to start all over again. It's always hard to imagine life going on there without me even if it makes no difference to them. Maybe i'm a much more sentimental person than the rest of my friends that came here because they don't look like they miss anything.

When i close my eyes all the time and imagined i never left. i said i hate it so much and i can't wait to graduate. All the time i acted like a spoiled brat like i'm the only one who has to face any difficulties and expected everyone to do what i want.

Time changes everything. Everyone get used to things. Even me. Do you ever realize how fast time passes it's almost like it's flying. Everything this year feels like they had just happened yesterday.

i won't be unhappy with where i am anymore. i won't be ungrateful. i am learning to embrace the situation and like where i am because it could have been worst and this is actually great, i'm am the one who had always thought too much and care too much

And i came here knowing that everything that i will know and will love or hate will only last for a year. i never intended to get attached to anyone. i never wanted to make friends. i'm scared of parting. Now i have to experience it all over again, and no matter how i get used to it it always hurts.

This is me swallowing my pride, saying that this is actually a great year.

i wish i were feelingless. Then i won't feel like i do now. It's a mix of many emotions and it's not a good feeling.

This is the only chance

2010-10-27T10:51:00.006+08:00

OMG
This sudden realization that nothing is the same anymore.
It just hits me.
Scary.
But it's comforting to know that whatever's bothering me before is not here anymore.

Not lonely anymore.
Not bored anymore.
Such a short time but i'm so glad i know all of you.
i am not sad, coz whoever i miss i'll keep in contact with.
Those who we don't keep in contact means they're not close enough to be missed.
Still, i'll miss you.

YOU ARE CAUGHT RED HANDED PLAYING TRUANT.
Everyone really can't finish studying.
Including me.

Not serious.
Sorry, i wasn't and now i think it's too late.
i'll just go in and do what i can.
You all have wasted your efforts on me but it's nice to know that for once, people actually bother.
i'll try my best :)

Angan-angan tanpa tindakan tidak akan membawa kita ke mana-mana.

HAHAHA.

Stop time, just this once...

2010-10-24T20:26:00.006+08:00

TO EVERYONE NICE TO ME.
especially WEN EN ♥
MUAHH

i bet you don't even realize how annoying you are
i feel sorry for you.
SORRY.
i didn't mean to hurt you but i have no choice.
i have my own life, you know?

DID I FALL FOR A SHOOTING STAR?
Theme of illusion vs reality.
Sometimes i can't differentiate which one i'm living in.

My mum bought me an estee lauder gift set.
i told her not to waste her money anymore.
Make-up don't hide everything.

JERK OR NOT.
She said i have a tendency to like jerks.
But someone once told me,
There are only two types of guys: jerks, and gays.
Your choice girls.

School again tomorrow.
And after that library.
Ah finally back on track :)

Down, down

2010-10-22T22:47:00.006+08:00

Rihanna's Only Girl video is so nice.
Flowers everywhere.
Pink and red everywhere.
How good if the real world is so simple.
Where you dance dance dance in a pink desert and fall in love and do nothing else.

i wonder how much this whole thing costs.

My instincts tell me i'm crazy.
i really shouldn't but i still can't stop it.

You just won't stop hurting me.
Again and again.
i wonder if you're satisfied now?
Can we stop now?

i'm addicted to X-factor videos. They're just so NICE la. Way better than american idol, lol. Although the format is so complicated.

Cher Lloyd

Liam Payne

Cheryl Cole- Parachute.
It's nice.

They wanna see us fall.
They wanna see us fall down.
i don't need a parachute.
Your gonna catch me.
Your gonna catch me from falling.

i feel so lonely all the time.
i'm stuck at home.
i want to go somewhere.
i'm so bored. i'm really bored.
H E L P.
Rescue me.
Will you?

i am traveling around the world, in my mind

2010-10-22T15:51:00.005+08:00

i take a hot bath when i need more oxygen.

Biology, chemistry and add math makes me sad.
You, yogurts and text messages makes me happy.
Ohyeah.

To quote Dayana, "i wish i have 32GB memory".

i asked my mum, if there are people who go for vacation in india. She said yes but mostly they are indians. i then asked her how much it costs to go to bombay, mumbai..etc. She told me it's like, 3k to 4k per person? i asked her to bring me there. She said, 'wait until you grow up and work'. Wow, thanks for making me want to go to India, Andrea.

You see, i'm an adult now and am rich, i'd go for a vacation around the world, mainly not for shopping or to see the sights, but for food. Like eat, pray, love. i want to go to Italy and sit in a riverside restaurant and have pasta, lasagna, and risottos. Wen en, i'll never have to snatch your MUSSELS again. Then to France and have escargots, creme brulee, and err...whatever french people eat lol. Then to german for sausages and i don't know what else. Australia for fish and chips and then buy roxy, billabong and etc etc. And then india, just to see if their indian food is the same as the indian food here and see their cow dung wall. China for the duck meat and dumplings. *Chocolates from all the airports. Sample perfumes on the plane.

i like imagining. According to the secret, it's good. Which i'm pretty skeptical about.

Can you imagine living inside here? lol Indian cow dung wall.

With you i'd dance in a storm in my best dress fearless.

2010-10-22T14:13:00.013+08:00

i have nothing in the what-a-girl-must-have list, i know.

So i'll just pretend to not see you so no one will suspect anything.
Not much longer right?
Like usual, i'm too scared. HAHA

i still can't breath properly :(

Hour after hour.

Browsing nice dresses and pretty shoes in online boutiques which i can never wear.
i need to cut down on chips more and munchy's oat crunch and oreos, fast.
i don't know what's wrong with her.
Gorgeous face and body to die for and she's wearing the same old clothes everyday and doesn't like to go shopping.
wth!?!? lol

omg omg omg. i didn't know they have luggage.
This is my must-have when i go to college.
To put my clothes inside.

Sometimes it's fine but sometimes it's not.
Now, can engineers be allergic to dust and wind?
Tell me yes.

f(x)= 2x + 5

2010-10-21T12:13:00.003+08:00

BREATHLESS
i decided to stay home in the morning coz i was too tired to wake up.
And after that in the morning went to the doctor and she gave me pills and mc for 2 days.
omg i didn't realize that i gained so much weight.
i hate pills :(
i'm not supposed to talk HAHA
But at least i can do what i want today.
LOL

THE LAST SONG
i feel so guilty for watching a movie when there is school.
Liam is hot.
As usual, Miley is Miley.
She looks prettier though.
There's a kissing scene, like, every 5 minutes, which i like.
Does grown up couples kiss so much?
Please tell me no, please tell me no.

REALIZATION
Friends of our friends are considered our friends too.
And friends of our friend's friend are considered our friends too.
In the end, everyone are friends.

Taylor Swift- Speak Now

2010-10-19T18:52:00.001+08:00

It is so cute!!!
---

I am not the kind of girl
Who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion
But you are not the kind of boy
Who should be marrying the wrong girl

I sneak in and see your friends, and her snotty little family
All dressed in pastel
And she is yelling at a bridesmaid, somewhere back inside a room
Wearing a gown shaped like a pastry

This is surely not what you thought it would be
I lose myself in a daydream where I stand and say

Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out of the church at the backdoor
Don't wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out and they said speak now

Fun gestures are exchanged
And the organ starts to play a song that sounds like a death march
And I am hiding in the curtains
It seems that I was uninvited by your lovely bride-to-be

She floats down the aisle like a pageant queen
But I know you wish it was me, you wish it was me
Don't you?

Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out of the church at the backdoor
Don't wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out and they said speak now

Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out of the church at the backdoor
Don't wait or say a single vow
Your time is running out and they said speak now

I hear the preacher say speak now or forever hold your peace
There's the silence, there's my last chance
I stand up with shaking hands, all eyes on me
Horrified looks from everyone in the room
But I'm only looking at you

I am not the kind of girl
Who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion
But you are not the kind of boy
Who should be marrying the wrong girl

Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out of the church at the backdoor
Don't wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out and they said speak now

And you say lets run away now
I'll meet when I'm out of my tux at the backdoor
Baby I didn't say my vows, so glad you were around
When they said 'Speak now'

It's ending.

2010-10-15T20:10:00.008+08:00

They never fail to cheer me up.
Yesterday i was on the verge of breaking down and they made it a lot better.
Life would be a lot boring without them :)
It has to end one day, right?
i will miss it.

i wish it is different but it is the truth.
Now is a bad time, here is a bad place.
You, i hope i'll meet you again in the future.

They're busy taking pictures and talking and laughing.
i lost count of the cameras.
All the classes.
It is ending, their so many years of memories.

Maybe i don't feel that much.
Maybe i had that feeling earlier, just me.
So i'm not really that sad.
i'm not leaving that much behind.

i have to admit that i'll miss a lot of things.
But i can't deny that i can't wait for it to end.

Grad nite, group song, last day.
i swear i won't cry.
Won't hold on tight, it's just one year.

Maybe you shouldn't sound so sad that it is ending. And maybe you shouldn't sound so indifferent either. Because i'm kinda...in between? When you told me you nearly cried when singing the chinese part of the group song i was really touched. And the line of the malay song you kept repeating to me, it's so true right. 10 months, but i'll remember it forever. Maybe i didn't exactly slotted in from the start. Who cares right. i'm happy here and yeah i'm happy, so is everyone.

Lot's of happiness. If you're feeling down and need some cheering up maybe you can come into our class and listen to my classmates talk for some time. i bet it'll make you feel better even if you're not in the conversation and just watching all the hilarious things they do, you'll smile. i'll never be able to smile and joke like that anymore. i wished you don't love them that much because i hated every moment of it here. But now, same as you, i enjoy it :)

BUT
It's time for something new.
It's time to completely start over.
It's time to leave this place and all the hurt behind.

SO NEAR YET SO FAR.

COLOURFUL DREAMS

Please don't pretend to know me so well

2010-10-14T15:03:00.005+08:00

Why do i always get scolded for things everyone does? First, her, than her, then her. Why do they always have to scold me. For what? My friend who saw a very fierce teacher complaining about a certain rude student but never scolded her told me that it's because they think that other people can't change and because they know i can become better, they scold me. But i have to be bad bad bad for this right?

i still don't think so. i think it's because i'm the sort of person that if you scold me, i won't answer back, i'll just look at you and say nothing. i'll just make you assume that you've won and be done with it.

i never sigh when we are given work. i never roll my eyes at you all. i never talk rudely in class. i am just a bit lazy, that's all. Or maybe some think that i'm a bookworm. For what do i deserve this.

i fill my forms wrongly sometimes. i passed up my essay one day late. i delay doing the things that i have to do as a new student. i forget to bring rulers and erasers into the exam hall. i lost my testpapers. i did my exercise in the wrong books. some of my exercise books are still empty. i have terrible handwriting...You might say that i'm lazy but please, no more other than that.

It was humiliating. It was. Why is there all of us and although you said that you're talking to all of us, you're specifically looking at me.

What do you know about me? For you less than three months, for you less than a year, and at most also three years. Had you seen me talking to other people? Don't you know that i can't even speak english before this? And i don't talk to those people around me coz i don't know a word of cantonese.

Especially you. You aren't aware. You aren't aware of all this social differences that exists among us. You just look at me and assumed that i'm socially inept just by looking at me.

i was new k. Who was i supposed to speak to? The air? i can't have as many friends as people who had been here for years right. There are people who just come and make friends with everyone and talk themselves into trouble and those who never say anything and just wait for people to come to them. Am i supposed to be like that?

Or is it everything i do, no matter i'm lazy or hardworking; stay in class or play truant, everything, it's wrong because it's me doing it.

You remind me about how i had pretended that i never study when i was younger so that people won't think that i'm a bookworm. Now i admit that i study. Not like i study a lot but i do. To you, i'm supposed to be a bookworm and too academic and when i come home i keep getting scolded for not studying. Is this weird or what.

You all don't love me. Despite how you say that i'm scolded because you all love me i still don't think so.

PEACE.